Dear Taylor Swift: Surprised you lost?
Dear Taylor Swift,
I know you have an album coming out, and people only can tolerate so many break-up songs about Harry Styles, Connor Kennedy, or whatever incredibly adorable but disturbingly young guy you’re dating this week. I’d like to help you out with a song title – “You Were Right, Kanye West.”
Of course, at the 2009 MTV VMAs, Kanye West correctly pointed out that Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” was one of the best music videos of all time, as opposed to that one video of you dancing in your bedroom and doing somzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…yeah, that video was lame. But anyway, both before and since then, you’ve made a career at being ‘totally surprised’ at your bajillion award show wins.
So…the rest of us had the ‘Taylor Swift Surprised Face’ on Sunday, when you threw a vicious side-eye at Adele, who defeated you for Best Original Song at the Golden Globes. Okay, granted you didn’t snatch the award out of her hand and say that The RZA and The Black Keys should have been nominated for “The Baddest Man Alive,” but with that ‘Taylor Swift Didn’t Win Mad Face,’ the jig was up on your award show act.
But you weren’t done there. You also tried to photobomb co-host Amy Poehler during one of her stunts during the show. I mean seriously, the f*ck WAS that? This was very clearly not your moment, but you tried to co-opt it anyway. So just admit it – you aren’t some cute little country girl on the fringe of the entertainment industry; you’re almost as big of a camera-hogging fame whore as Kanye.
So Taylor, Twitter tore you apart for that shade you threw at Adele, but I am your people, and I won’t you go out like that. You can do the typical thing, and make a song called “Breaking Up with the Internet,” or you can team up with Kanye West and make a duet called “We’re Better Than You and Deserve All the Awards.” All you have to do is say sorry to Kanye. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Four Four , Tumblr , SoulTempleMusic , Twitter
New Blogs, New Year!
I said I would do more blogging…then I moved. Finally got the new apartment almost all the way in order, but the WiFi is in. Blog today!
-IAYP
Happy New New Year!
Note: That bootleg video is Kid Cudi performing “That New New.” Just trust that’s the best video I could find.
Dear Readers,
Time for that new new…year. My resolution is more blogging in 2013.
-IAYP
Dear Snoop Moses,
I saw your rap battle with Santa Claus, and here is my review:
0:20 – Santa Claus’ flow is pretty tight, though
0:33 – Is he really shading Moses for killing an Egyptian? I mean..
0:45 – Santa’s hating on Moses and he’s not even in the Bible…
0:53 – …as Snoop Moses is reminding everyone.
0:56 – “You took the Christ out of Christmas and added more mass…” Consider that line stolen.
1:00 – Mall Santa is a bit To Catch A Predator…
1:19 – Snoop Moses really would smoke the Burning Bush; he wouldn’t be here for the Angel of Yahweh at ALL.
1:24 – The elf gave Moses a GPS? I’m so done.
1:42 – This really needs to be a commandment.
Aside – on Black Friday I saw a man in a Santa suit trying to undercut mall Santa by taking cheaper pics. Not sure if that was entrepreneurial or creepy.
2:04 – Download…wayment…for $1.29? No, ma’am!
Snoop Dogg/Moses/Lion, I am your people, and I am here for every minute of this! It is really time to remake The Ten Commandments it will get more Oscar nods than the Charlton Heston version it will be the highest rated straight-to-BET movie EVER. Merry Christmas!
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
It’s the Mayan Apocalypse!
Dear Readers,
The Mayan Apocalypse came and the world is still here. *Deep sigh* Let me pay these bills then…
-IAYP
Dear DMX,
For the past decade, you’ve spiraled into a cracked-out cesspool of irrelevance and are completely unknown to this generation of Young Money fans. But people have always called you a genius, and you proved it with this.
WINNING!
I am here for every minute of this! YAAAS! And those ad libs? COME ON! WHAT!
Seize the moment. This Reading Rainbow mash-up from a few months ago has people talking about you again.
I am your people, and I know you’ll never return to your 1998 level of fame, but that doesn’t mean the spotlight can’t be yours again. Make a new rap album, a Christmas album, and a Kidz Bop album. (Never heard of Kidz Bop? Google it.) And you know we all want to see – your return to acting. That’s right, we want to see you on the big screen do a straight-to-DVD film with Tara Reid, Katt Williams and Lindsay Lohan. Now..what you really waaaaaaannnt?
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Miss Jia , Tumblr , YouTube , Baller Alert
Dear eFam, Happy FAILsgiving!
Dear eFam,
For the past couple of years, we’ve spent Thanksgiving on Twitter, checking out the #ThatPlate hashtag, mocking the struggle food cooked by people who should not be allowed inside of a kitchen, as the basic fundamentals of microwave usage probably escape them.
However, a few weeks ago, YouTube decided to up the ante – Montana Deleon’s soul food tragedy went viral, and for a few hours, Twitter live-tweeted the tragedy. So Montana, here’s my take on your EPIC fail:
0:07 – You’re making greens for the first time, but decided to film a tutorial? Girl, why?
0:56 – You’re adding chicken stock. Okay, but…
1:26 – …you’re also adding smoked turkey necks? Garlic, onions, old bay seasoning, salt, pepper, chicken stock, turkey necks..the f*ck is this supposed to taste like?
2:00 – Nothing says “traditional soul food” like bagged greens
2:40 – Your mama gave you the real recipe to make greens. But you wanted to freestyle. The moral of the story – listen to your mama.
4:15 – Wait – you’re putting macaroni in cold water. SECURITY!!!!
4:44 – You have 50’leven different kinds of pasta in this mac and cheese, plus butter, milk, cream, cream cheese and… Ragu??? Nat Turner didn’t die for this
7:01 – Two whole eggs in your macaroni. Two whole eggs in your macaroni. Two… I JUST CAN’T.
7:17 – Did you hear that child’s sad moan in the background? Call CPS please. That baby’s blood pressure is 400/115.
8:04 – Did you say PLANKO? The label is spelled P-A-N-K-O. PLANKO? The price is wrong
8:25 – Throw this into the oven? Don’t you mean garbage?
8:30 – So you’ve got raw fish right next to your clean dish rack and a sink full of dirty dishes. YOLO!
9:00 – “You ain’t got to do a lot with fish” as you smother it with random-azz spices.
9:45 – I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT! You’re making cornbread…by mixing apple cinnamon Jiffy muffin mix and blueberry Jiffy muffin mix. This is where I call on the Lord to grant me the strength to get through this video.
9:55 – MUFFIN MIX?? MUFFIN MIX??? JESUS WHYYYYYY?????
10:27 – BUTTERMILK PANCAKE MIX. IN CORNBREAD. Harriet Tubman did not free the slaves for this to happen.
10:46 – SYRUP??? F*CK EVERYTHING, I. GIVE. UP.
11:26 – “Excuse the fish?” Excuse your life.
11:42 – “Look at the detail in that cornbread.” Noticeably absent – corn.
eFam, I am your people, and I don’t want you to die from diabeetus this Thanksgiving. If you know you can’t cook, bring the drinks. Just stay off the stove, and off the internet, with #ThatPlate
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Dear Hurricane Sandy Survivors,
So, you heard there was a super storm headed to the East Coast. Did you run? Did you panic? Or did you just scream out YOLO!
YAAAAS! You are really out here doing Gangnam Style. On the beach. In a hurricane.
The New York Marathon got canceled, right? Well, not a single f*ck was given.
Yes, this gif if from Washington, DC and happened before the NYC Marathon cancellation, but…look at it…I just…can’t…
And Jersey Shore continues to keep it all the way turnt up. Snooki and them can’t even count as high as Category 1 so they probably don’t even know how real it is out here in these streets.
And legendary street fashion photographer Bill Cunningham gives not one solitary d*mn. It’s STILL New York City, and you better spray some Scotchgard on your Gucci and keep it fly out here.
That said, the governors and mayors of the East Coast did say evacuate – props to those who did.
East Coast, I am here for your foolery ALL DAY. You brought two tons of ‘f*ck it’ to an apocalyptic storm and stayed strong. There’s been untold tragedy during Sandy, but with this attitude, you’ll be back bigger and better in no time.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Tumblr ,
Election day is tomorrow…
…and I hope all goes well, but with people standing in line 7 hours to vote, last-minute patches to the election counting software, Super Storm Sandy, I don’t know about this one…
But Election Day foolishness is no excuse, go vote!
-IAYP
Nope, not Hurricane Sandy
Dear Hurricane Sandy hoaxers,
This storm is SERIOUS. People are dying, and are in desperate need of GENUINE information. They don’t need stills from Titanic, scuba divers in a submerged subway (that somehow has lights and puddles. Mmm-hmm), “news footage” that’s actually from The Day After Tomorrow or, worst of all, people pretending to work for the power company and robbing homes.
I am your people, and I’m sick of this mess. I’ve got plenty of fam on the East Coast that I haven’t been able to reach, due to the power and phones being down, and this mess is terrifying. Prayers up to everyone affected bu Hurricane Sandy. And shoutout to Governor Christie for postponing Trick-or-Treating until the weather gets better. That’s leadership.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.