I love y’all, but this PMI Certificate class is in the ‘kick yo azz’ portion of the course. Blog ya later! Pray for me to finish….sane.

-IAYP

Dear World,

Yes, this letter goes out to errrrryone. Including you. You were the 2006 Person of the Year, right? So your opinion counts. After Hologram Tupac performed at Coachella, I realized that this best of old-school technology is woefully underutilized. And it’s time for everyone to do something about it.

Obviously, this should be used for more concert tours. Hologram Tupac cost $100K-$400K to create. That’s about what many Top 40 acts get paid per show. Promoters – it’s time to bring in the big bucks. Charge exorbitant ticket prices for a ‘performer’ who has no rider, private jet, bodyguards, tour bus or groupies. Just pay a one-time licensing fee and…BALLIN’!

Next – news. Are CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and Current 2.0 doing anything productive? While old-time radio might have had the right idea, holograms can save 24 hour news. This Presidential election will be covered by…Hologram Walter Cronkite.

Then there’s fashion. Remember Hologram Kate Moss? Supermodels can eat again! Just have your 19-year-old body work the catwalk.

Finally – real life. Why stalk your ex? Make a hologram. Are you Black and need to hail a cab/go on a job interview/apply for a loan/in the vicinity of the NYPD? White doppelgänger hologram to the rescue!

Look World, hologram technology is more than just an excuse to charge $20 to watch a 15 year old movie by retrofitting it with 3D. This is Twitter in real life; let your hologram go out into the world while you kick it with iPad, Blackberry and ‘em.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: TIME , Stereogum , Mental Floss’ Twitter , YouTube , Huffington Post , E! Twitter

The PBG: Men – stop telling women what to do

Things I Forget: Missing keys

Stiletto Jill: The chronicles of the Basketball Wives’ weave struggle

Mused Magazine: Burger King is releasing a bacon sundae? YAAAAAAAASSS!

Afrobella: Bella will be on QVC this weekend

Cele|Bitchy: Kanye West will keep up with the Kardashians

Crunk-N-Disorderly: Lil Kim scares children

The Quickening: Mini Vinny gets the Lion King treatment

Curly Nikki: Happy Easter!

Dear Bone Thugs~N~Harmony,

I remember your 1998 song “Ghetto Cowboy,” but didn’t know that there was a music video until now. But since YouTube exists to bring up stuff you hoped people forgot, here is my review.

0:04 – That’s right, this is by the supergroup Mo’ Thugs, not Bone Thugs~N~Harmony. Everyone was doing that back then. I’m looking at you, Puff Daddy and the Family

0:10 – What the Roots hell? Is this a lynching?

0:13 – The first recorded instance of “making it rain.”

0:20 – A harmonica player in a coffin? Did Fellini contribute to this video?

0:42 – I assume this is a scene from Posse II

1:33 – Who signed Thug Queen and her d@mn voice? Her rap career makes less sense than Charli Baltimore’s

1:45 – “Thought you was the law that’s why I jumped in the bushes.” Didn’t you just say that you killed six cops? Pull out your sawed-off shotgun

2:06-2:15 – R.I.P. my ear drums

2:30 – This video was shot with the first Instagram

2:40 – Thug Cripple makes an appearance

3:20 – Ah, the disembodied head of an even more forgotten rapper, Powder

4:37 – “To be continued.” Spoiler alert – no, that’s where it all ended

Well, Bone Thugs~N~Harmony, I assume this song is to blame for the Coolio and Kenny Rogers song “The Hustler,” and the entire career of Cowboy Troy. It’s too late to save most of your careers; Thug Queen’s newest Google hit was from 2009, Felecia was a one-hook wonder like Shotasha from “Thuggish Ruggish Bone,” Layzie Bone is in rehab and I didn’t bother to look up Powder.

The only silver lining to this catastrof*ck? Krayzie Bone – you definitely have a career in voiceovers. I guess.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Wikipedia , IMDB , Photobucket

Dear Kevin Hart,

The hell? Did you really go out in public dressed like this? When people get divorced they hit the club to get their groove back, but it’s usually women who show cleavage. What in the name of Kobe Bryant do you have on? I thought you said in Laugh At My Pain that you had stopped hanging out with athletes. But clearly, even the way your bank account is set up…you can still afford “designer” clothes.

On second thought, what kind of club is this? I assumed that celebrities only kicked it at four-star lounges with well-dressed wealthy people. But what is with that chick in the background? Who told her that a yoga top and REI Couture hiking shorts are what’s hot in the streets right now? And did she not get the memo that bobby pins should not be visible? And please don’t get me started in your boy in the Old Navy tall tee and little miss rent-a-wig.

Kev, considering this picture was taken by 39 year old Marlon Wayans, who was dressed like this at the time, I assume all of you are refugees of the Great Fashion Apocalypse.

But Kevin, I am your people, and I’ll help you survive the Worst Dressed List. Claim you were being a gentleman, and switched shirts with a girl wearing a wet see-through shirt after catching the wrath of Tami Roman. Or say you were shooting the “before” shots for your Proactiv commercial, and that’s how they styled you. Finally, if you’re going to drop $7000, buy a new wardrobe.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources:
Marlon Wayans’ Tumblr , LA Times Magazine , Stilletto Jill , Twitter , TMZ

Pinch My Cheekie: “Thanks” to Cheekie for bringing the above video into my life

Cocoa and Crème: Korean designer uses blackface at a fashion show

Hello Beautiful: Ray J talks about Whitney Houston

Baller Alert: Someone tell Superhead to have a seat

Mrs. Grapevine: Hi Lenny!

Miss Jia: Jamie Foxx dances in his draws

Jezebel: Amber Tamblyn convinces Tyrese that she’s Amber Rose

Forbes: Undercover Billionaire: Sara Blakely Joins The Rich List Thanks To Spanx

Crunk-N-Disorderly: Whatever happened from DeShawn Snow from Real Housewives of Atlanta?

Dear Antoine Dodson,

I’ve seen your “music” (I use the term loosely) video, and here’s my review.

0:21 – “I’m trying everything, I tried to make it right” Translation: You tried to remain relevant, and the marijuana arrest didn’t do it.

0:26 – Wait – was this shot in a dentist’s waiting room?

0:33 – Neither Proactiv nor Pancake #35 were in the budget, I see.

0:48 – So it turns out this is a remake of a song Brent Morgan made with his fiancée. Desperate? Broke? Trying to…tell us something? I kid, I kid.

1:13 – Smize, Brent, SMIZE!

1:28 – Did I say this was a dentist’s office? More like an unlicensed dental assistant committing Medicaid fraud.

1:43 – Well, at least you have more edges than Naomi.

1:59 – I’m going to be nice not discuss the fact that you accessorized your Grunge Drag Queen look with a pink hair band and Brandy’s hairstyle from 1996.

3:06 – Show your support? N*gga, are you serious?

Okay, Antoine. We get it. You’re thirsty for attention. You spent your initial earnings on Gucci and an overpriced house, instead of beauty school like you initially claimed you would. Obviously, everyone is clowning this auto-tuned disaster, but I am your people, and I’ll help you get out of oblivion. For starters, try to get a reality show. Both Magic Johnson and P. Diddy are launching cable networks, so they’re going to need some filler shows until they get 24 hours of quality programming. Or you can try to be one of the Love and Hip-Hop chick’s gay best friend. If all else fails, you can go what the other briefly-famous YouTube star did.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Gawker , YouTube

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy
and happiness
But above all this
I wish you love

-IAYP

Dear M.I.A.,

Thank you for ruining the Super Bowl halftime show for the next 10 years. Thanks to your “spontaneous” bird-flipping, the NFL is likely to get even more conservative with their performers. Remember who followed Janet Jackson and her wardrobe malfunction? Paul McCartney. The next year? The Rolling Stones. After a brief (and awesome!) reprieve with Prince, we got Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and The Who. So it looked like the NFL had finally dropped the Social Security set with the Black Eyed Peas last year and Madonna this year. But then…you ruined it.

In a gesture literally dozens of people saw, yet millions of people complained about, people have got their draws in a knot over the show. Do you have any idea what you have inflicted upon America? Inevitably, performances from Neil Young, Barbra Streisand, James Taylor, A Disney on Ice Spectacular and Neil Diamond. Maybe they’ll get risqué and hire Elton John. But a current crop of performers? Whoever plans to release a new album in 2022 – you got next.

So M.I.A., now everyone in America hates you for ruining their fun. But I am your people, and I’ll get you out of this. Hold a press conference, and remind everyone that your performances are always teetering on some sort of impending disaster. Remind everyone that your last high profile performance on American television was at the Grammys, on the day you were due to give birth. Or blame it on being British. Say that, in England, the middle finger is ‘bloody minor.’ Whatever you do, please don’t curse. Or wear anything too revealing. Or do anything stupid. Or…enjoy your place on the blacklist.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Buzzfeed , Wikipedia , DListed

Dear Kimmy Girl,

*hugs* *pours out some hot cocoa* It’s been a rough few weeks since your Koupling Klusterf*ck. Unlike Star Jones, who at least kept her fake husband on retainer for four years, you pocketed $18million dollars from your fake wedding, and when all the checks cleared, filed for divorce.

Now we all know reality TV is fake. But you took it to a whole new level by faking your second thoughts about your wedding by filming your “regret” scenes in December, but purporting that they took place in October. Frankly, I think this is genius, except for one tiny detail…you got caught. I’m no lawyer, but if you want to divorce The Hump without giving him a dime, this retroactive slander could be a problem in court.

Well Kim, I am your people, and I want to save your rapidly tanking brand. First of all, date an athlete from a lower profile sport – hockey, lacrosse, possibly bowling. Those leagues might embrace the publicity and be happy to cater to your attention-whoring ways. Maybe you could start another spin-off show called Arena Football Wives or Kim and Rob Take Omaha (or wherever there’s a D-League team). Better yet, date T.O. You’re dealing with bad publicity, he’s broke, so it could be mutually beneficial (psst, here’s a tip – make him out to be the bad guy. Shhh.)

Either way, publicly fall in “love,” apologize for marrying Kris Humphries too quickly, and make some more money marrying another athlete. Just make sure this wedding isn’t legal.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Cele|Bitchy , Miss Jia , Cracked , Hello Beautiful , Stiletto Jill