I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy
and happiness
But above all this
I wish you love

-IAYP

Dear M.I.A.,

Thank you for ruining the Super Bowl halftime show for the next 10 years. Thanks to your “spontaneous” bird-flipping, the NFL is likely to get even more conservative with their performers. Remember who followed Janet Jackson and her wardrobe malfunction? Paul McCartney. The next year? The Rolling Stones. After a brief (and awesome!) reprieve with Prince, we got Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and The Who. So it looked like the NFL had finally dropped the Social Security set with the Black Eyed Peas last year and Madonna this year. But then…you ruined it.

In a gesture literally dozens of people saw, yet millions of people complained about, people have got their draws in a knot over the show. Do you have any idea what you have inflicted upon America? Inevitably, performances from Neil Young, Barbra Streisand, James Taylor, A Disney on Ice Spectacular and Neil Diamond. Maybe they’ll get risqué and hire Elton John. But a current crop of performers? Whoever plans to release a new album in 2022 – you got next.

So M.I.A., now everyone in America hates you for ruining their fun. But I am your people, and I’ll get you out of this. Hold a press conference, and remind everyone that your performances are always teetering on some sort of impending disaster. Remind everyone that your last high profile performance on American television was at the Grammys, on the day you were due to give birth. Or blame it on being British. Say that, in England, the middle finger is ‘bloody minor.’ Whatever you do, please don’t curse. Or wear anything too revealing. Or do anything stupid. Or…enjoy your place on the blacklist.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Buzzfeed , Wikipedia , DListed

Dear Kimmy Girl,

*hugs* *pours out some hot cocoa* It’s been a rough few weeks since your Koupling Klusterf*ck. Unlike Star Jones, who at least kept her fake husband on retainer for four years, you pocketed $18million dollars from your fake wedding, and when all the checks cleared, filed for divorce.

Now we all know reality TV is fake. But you took it to a whole new level by faking your second thoughts about your wedding by filming your “regret” scenes in December, but purporting that they took place in October. Frankly, I think this is genius, except for one tiny detail…you got caught. I’m no lawyer, but if you want to divorce The Hump without giving him a dime, this retroactive slander could be a problem in court.

Well Kim, I am your people, and I want to save your rapidly tanking brand. First of all, date an athlete from a lower profile sport – hockey, lacrosse, possibly bowling. Those leagues might embrace the publicity and be happy to cater to your attention-whoring ways. Maybe you could start another spin-off show called Arena Football Wives or Kim and Rob Take Omaha (or wherever there’s a D-League team). Better yet, date T.O. You’re dealing with bad publicity, he’s broke, so it could be mutually beneficial (psst, here’s a tip – make him out to be the bad guy. Shhh.)

Either way, publicly fall in “love,” apologize for marrying Kris Humphries too quickly, and make some more money marrying another athlete. Just make sure this wedding isn’t legal.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Cele|Bitchy , Miss Jia , Cracked , Hello Beautiful , Stiletto Jill

So, we’re almost 3 weeks into 2012 and still no new blog? Wasn’t my New Year’s Resolution to blog more often? Yeah, I’ll get on that. New blog this week!

-IAYP

VSB: Kick it with the VSBs in Washington, DC

Stiletto Jill: Deiondra Sanders goes IN

The Quickening: Mini Vinny just gets cuter

The Cynical Ones: Time for some Resolutions

Curly Nikki: Nikki does Greece

Awesomely Luvvie: The 20 Dumbest Celebrity Tweets of 2011

VIP: 2011 VIP Wrap-Up

DListed: The Korean Adele SLAYS Rolling In The Deep

The Native Son: 2011 Recap

Up Here on Cloud 9: Random Thoughts: My Favorite Sh*t of 2011

Life of a Libra: Year In Review

Jezebel: Was 2011 a joke?

The Abby’s World: She’s Adorable

Dear People Planning to Visit NYC,

Take a cab.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Miss Jia

Dear Vanessa Bryant,

Congratulations on divorcing Kobe Bryant! Most people would think a divorce is a sad time, but I disagree. You met Kobe at age 17 while – of all things – shaking your underaged azz in an Eastsidaz video. You not only managed to marry Kobe, but with no prenup! Furthermore, prenup or no prenup – you were married for more than 10 years in California¹, making you entitled to half his money, plus child support, plus spousal support. A chick from East LA with almost no education or marketable skills is now worth $300 million. You are truly living the American Dream.

Sure, based on paparazzi pics, people might clown your taste in fashion and plastic surgery but I am your people and I say don’t listen to the haters. You might be rich, but now it’s time for fame. Call up Shaunie O’Neal, because you, Shaunie, Evelyn and Kim Kardashian need to start a reality show called Basketball Ex-Wives: Hoes Be Winning Edition. It may cost you a few milli not to sign a confidentiality agreement in the divorce, but that’s nothing to you now.

Everyone loves trash TV, and everyone wants to see what’s really behind Kobe’s carefully crafted image. But don’t worry, it’s not all skanky, you’ll get to show your positive side, too.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

1. Thank you Suze Orman, for breaking down what a “Community Property State” is.

Sources: Stiletto Jill , Twitter, The Kobe & Vanessa Bryant Family Foundation

Bonus Blackbuster Appreciation Month post

Miss Jia: Soulja Boy Doesn’t Read Contracts

Jezebel: Shaming Black Women Won’t Encourage Them To Lose Weight

Clutch: TJ Holmes commits career suicide

Curly Nikki: Boogie continues to be the cutest baby ever

Jack & Jill Politics: Mumia Abu-Jamal Off Death Row

C+D: Zumba for crackheads

Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss: Mmmm….salad

BuzzFeed: Mark Zuckerberg has the same amount of privacy as everyone else on Facebook

Dear Terrell Owens,

I saw the preview for your new movie Dysfunctional Friends, and here is my review:

0:07 – Wesley Jonathan, where have you been? Besides selling sandwiches on Reed Between the Lines, I mean?

0:13 – Ah, this scene from the T.O. Show. And why did this take T.O. forty ‘leven takes to shoot?

0:22 – “I’m in Toronto now.” So…this is one of those Any Given Sunday-type movies that didn’t get the clearance of the NFL. On that note, the T.O. Show didn’t, either.

Aside: What happened to the T.Ocho Show?

0:30 – Stacey Dash continues to have only one facial expression.

0:58 – He’ll make $4 million? This really is fiction.

1:15 – Fact: Stacey Dash’s Chanel bag and Christian Louboutin pumps cost more than the budget of this entire movie.

1:20 – Wait that was it?

1:21 – This movie is supposed to be in theaters? This straight to DVD azz movie…

Terrell, much like New Year’s Eve and every Tyler Perry movie ever made, there are too many people in this film and it’s destined to be a hot azz mess. You’re also going to get clowned for your non-acting skills, buy I am your people, T.O., and I won’t let them dog you like that. Your NFL career is all but over, and you’ve got back child support. At least you can say that you’re making an attempt to make money outside of football, and that you aren’t going the DeSean Jackson route.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Necole Bitchie , Vh1 , Stiletto Jill , IMDb, Baller Alert

Dear Robin Givens,

I’m happy to hear about your return to acting, and here’s my review of your movie Put A Ring On It:

0:00 – I thought the series premiere of Single Ladies was the final nail in the coffin for the phrase ‘Put A Ring On It.’ I guess not.

0:11 – On that note, what ever happened to Thea?

0:15 – BBQing in a chef’s hat is what’s hot in the streets these days? Ok.

0:33 – “You are your mother’s daughter” is another way of saying ‘desperation is hereditary.’

0:45 – If this isn’t the saddest, thirstiest, most pathetic display I’ve ever seen…

1:33 – “There’s just one catch – she hasn’t told her boyfriend.” I thought proposals were supposed to be a surprise. Am I missing something?

1:42 – Robin Givens’ tortured analogy is giving me a headache. But this is the type of bad advice you can count on single friends for.

1:52 – Is this some kind of summer camp for deacons? That’s the only way I can explain Miguel Nunez sleeping in a chair while wearing a suit, and the other Bible-reading man in a bunk bed.

2:00 – What’s worse than a girl who’s desperate to get married? One with desperate girlfriends.

2:15 – Bobby V REALLY needs to retire the tight shirts he insists on wearing.

Robin, is this what you’ve become? Doing sad guest appearances on Reed Between The Lines and not even having the biggest part in a Blackbuster film? I know people are saying you’re over, but I am your people, and I won’t let you fall off.

Your Boomerang co-star Eddie Murphy is getting back into movies, surely he can hook you up with a role since you probably have something on him to blackmail him with. Or you could get married again. You separated from your husband Svetozar Marinkovic the day you married; why not get some Kim K money out of it this time around? I’m sure you and Star Jones’ ex-husband could sell filming and picture rights of the wedding to TVOne and Jet magazine for six four figures.

But if you can’t get off the Blackbuster stroll, don’t be ashamed. That $300K tax bill has got to paid off somehow.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Concrete Loop