Dear Vatican: REV. RUN FOR POPE!
I hear you have a position to fill soon, and I’ve got a suggestion for you – Rev. Run for Pope!
Now, I know what you’re thinking; there are a few “qualifications” and what not to be pope. Like being Catholic. And celibate. And some other stuff on Wikipedia that I didn’t bother to read. I have one word – so?
Look Vatican, this may surprise you, but you’ve got a bit of a sex scandal on your hands. Who better to be the Holy Father than an actual father? You don’t need to worry about him and altar boys, since
his first wife will tell you he loves literally all women his wife will tell you, he loves women. Rev. Run will fight harder against pedophilia than this “wait…WHAT?” pope has. Second, young people have been abandoning the Church in droves. Rev. Run’s son Diggy is on top of the wildly popular ‘mediocre rapper’ trend, and can put out a lukewarm Church-promoting single sure to be #1 on iTunes. And what do all people love? Reality shows. Pope Run’s House would get everyone crunk for Christ. And I know you still have lawsuits to pay off. Rev. Run’s Rolls Royce Phantom will save money on maintaining the Popemobile, and he’s got a closet full of hideous designer clothes; no need to buy a new miter, falda, and whatever else I still didn’t read on Wikipedia.
Look Vatican, I know Rev. Run is full of papal bull, but do you really need another AIDS-ignoring, pedophile-hugging, woman-oppressing cryptkeeper running the joint? It’s a tricky (ha!) decision picking the next pope, but he’s the perfect choice.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.