Dear Readers: You too, can be a relationship expert
Are you unemployed? Do you want to get rich quick? Do you have absolutely no skills whatsoever? Well here’s some good news – you can still become a bestselling relationship author! Here’s how:
Be an abject failure at relationships Steve Harvey is the perfect person to talk about why women can’t get a man; he’s been married three times, but you can’t get married once? And Rush Limbaugh can talk about how you feminazis are messing up traditional marriage, given that he’s on his 4th traditional marriage. And Iyanla Vanzant is out here trying to fix your life, even though she called her (now ex-) husband an unemployed bum on Oprah (can’t imagine why calling your husband a bum in front of a billion people would be a good idea, but she’s the expert.) Remember – you don’t need to STAY in a marriage, just get in one.
Be a man whore Emphasis on man. Is Terry Bams a relationship expert? Yes. Iceberg Slim? Yes. Don “The Magic” Juan? Yes. Superhead? No one’s here for that ho.
Have no formal relationship education This is for Black relationship experts. Let white folks – Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth – take their uppity azz degrees and high fallutin education elsewhere. The mainstream media has caught on – Black women don’t need all that fancy stuff. Why else would Nightline have Sheri Shepard, Hill Harper and some other random-azz people hold a forum called, “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” Shoot, Steve Harvey parlayed his non-expertise into a talk show and hit movie, surely you can throw on a zoot suit and spout nonsense on TV.
Forget not having a formal background studying relationships – be straight up functionally illiterate Tyrese and Rev. Run are collaborating on a book called Manology. I repeat – Tyrese and Rev. Run are writing. A book. Together. And Jesus wept.
So readers, I am your people, and I want you to get off your productive azz and get on your lazy one. Spit out some raggedy platitudes, buy some terrible clothes and ingnore teh redd lyne unndre teh wurds as ewe tipe. Good luck! And I want 10% of your royalties.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.