Dear Old Rappers: Quit trying to be brand new
Dear Old Rappers,
Quit trying to be brand new. I know you want to be down with the ankle-biting whippersnappers, but please realize that trying to sound young makes you sound old.
Fat Joe, did you really write a song called “Instagram That Hoe?” I realize the light-skinned app is what’s hot in the streets these days, but did you really think you could pull off a social media anthem? Well I’ve got news for you – FAIL! First of all, it’s been done; Willie of Day 26 and Jeremih made a turrrrrble song called “Instagram Ya Body.” Second, you’re tardy to the party…behind Willie of Day 26 and Jeremih.
Aside: These ninjas are so forgettable, in my first draft I wrote that the song put me to bed. That was J. Holiday, not Jeremih, if you’re trying to remember your random one “hit” wonders.
And the king of old men on that new new – LL Cool J. Did. You. Make. A. Song. Called. “Ratchet.” Tho. This YouTube comment summed it up best – “This Song Sounds Like it Should Come with a “05 FUBU JERSEY.”” This song reminds me of when Katie Couric and ‘em started saying “Boombox” on The Today Show – this is how you know a slang word has officially died. And…wayyyymeeennnt…at 1:15, did you really say “I ain’t Ray J, you ain’t Kim K, cancel the cameras, we can f*ck all day.” I was like…
Look, I am your people, and I’m not here for this. Y’all are 40+ years old. Your lyrics are like Mariah Carey’s outfits – 15 years too damb young. Do some grown man stuff. Fat Joe – teach Rick Ross how to lose his man breasts. LL – do CSI: Hollis, Queens. Just take off the skinny jeans, and promise your next album won’t feature a Justin Bieber collabo.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Ain’t nobody here for Wyclef