Dear Kim Kardashian: Well, we always did think you faked it

Dear Kimmy Girl,

*hugs* *pours out some hot cocoa* It’s been a rough few weeks since your Koupling Klusterf*ck. Unlike Star Jones, who at least kept her fake husband on retainer for four years, you pocketed $18million dollars from your fake wedding, and when all the checks cleared, filed for divorce.

Now we all know reality TV is fake. But you took it to a whole new level by faking your second thoughts about your wedding by filming your “regret” scenes in December, but purporting that they took place in October. Frankly, I think this is genius, except for one tiny detail…you got caught. I’m no lawyer, but if you want to divorce The Hump without giving him a dime, this retroactive slander could be a problem in court.

Well Kim, I am your people, and I want to save your rapidly tanking brand. First of all, date an athlete from a lower profile sport – hockey, lacrosse, possibly bowling. Those leagues might embrace the publicity and be happy to cater to your attention-whoring ways. Maybe you could start another spin-off show called Arena Football Wives or Kim and Rob Take Omaha (or wherever there’s a D-League team). Better yet, date T.O. You’re dealing with bad publicity, he’s broke, so it could be mutually beneficial (psst, here’s a tip – make him out to be the bad guy. Shhh.)

Either way, publicly fall in “love,” apologize for marrying Kris Humphries too quickly, and make some more money marrying another athlete. Just make sure this wedding isn’t legal.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Cele|Bitchy , Miss Jia , Cracked , Hello Beautiful , Stiletto Jill