Dear Passengers: no, this isn’t the short bus

Dear People on the Bus,

Since the art of taking public transportation seems to be lost on so many of you, here is a friendly reminder on how to get to your destination.

Have your fare ready: Now, that person who was running late and just barely got on the bus? I’ll allow you 30 seconds to fumble for change. However, if you’ve been standing at the bus stop for at least 10 minutes, why is it just now occurring to you to look for your bus pass? Either put your bus pass on a lanyard or ask Stuart’s mom to help you.

Know what route you’re supposed to take: Don’t know? Ask. Read the route map. I am utterly mystified to people who get on the bus, go well into the wrong side of town and then have the nerve to get mad at the driver. In other words, don’t do this:

Passenger: How long until we get to the mall?
Bus Driver: You take the #16 to get to the mall
Passenger: THIS IS THE WRONG BUS?
Bus Driver: You’re on the 61. I don’t go anywhere near there.
Passenger: Why didn’t you tell me?
Bus Driver: *files for early retirement*

Really? You rode 15 miles out of the city before it occurred to you to ask questions? Not the driver’s fault.

It’s not a taxi: Another typical encounter:

Passenger: Do you go to the stadium?
Bus Driver: No, take the #14
Passenger: Well can you go to the stadium?
Bus Driver: *files for early retirement*

You have to pay:

Passenger: I’m only going one block!
Bus Driver: It’s still $2
Passenger: But I only have a $20! (Side note: this trick isn’t new)
Bus Driver: I’ll give you 10 transfers, or you can buy bus tickets in the drugstore behind you (I told you it wasn’t new)

My personal favorite –
Passenger: But I really need to go downtown, I have no money and I’ve been waiting for four hours!
Problem – it’s 7:30am. The bus started running at 6am. Furthermore, downtown is a mile away. Walk.

This is not a private booth: This is not the place for loud cell phone conversations, personal grooming, karaoke or narrating your fantasy football trades. And can you please wait until you get off the bus before you look at pr0n on your iPad? Thanks

Keep the weird stuff to a minimum: This bullet point is an excuse to tell this story: a guy got off the bus through the back door, then promptly tried to get on the same bus through the front door. He didn’t have a transfer, and threw a fit when the driver asked for payment and didn’t recognize him. I just 0_____O

So fellow bus riders, I am your people, and here’s a suggestion – if you can’t follow the above rules, drive. Take a cab. Just quit making me late.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: #ShawtBusShawty , YouTube