Dear Kim: Your Koupling Klusterf*ck is Krazy

Dear Kim Kardashian,

So, this Saturday, if Kris Humphries doesn’t wise up and run away, you’ll be getting married. I’m sure the ceremony will be lovely (rumor has it that it will cost $20-35 MILLION dollars,) but if it’s like any other wedding, the ceremony itself won’t last longer than 30 minutes. But somehow, your wedding special will be FOUR HOURS LONG.

The hell? Someone went to the Star Jones School of Wedding Marketing. I’m surprised you didn’t go the full Morgan Spurlock and just call it E! Presents: the Kardashian Wedding co-sponsored by Us Weekly featuring Sketchers and Midori Liquor. Or something.

Now Kimmy, most people are giving you hell for whoring your wedding out to the press, but I am your people, and I disagree with them. If anything, you aren’t doing nearly enough. Khloé’s wedding special was two hours long and your BFF Lala got a six week series. This means, at your inexplicable level of fame, you should have two TV series: Kim and Kris and Kim’s Krazy Wedding, as well as a four part miniseries. The ceremony’s in only a few days, but it’s not too late to sell $1000 tickets (or $5000. Is it true people could attend your bachelorette party for $500?)

Take advantage and make as much “ka$h” as possible. It’s not like this day is sacred; it is your second wedding after all.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: IMDB , Cele|Bitchy , E!