Dear Von Miller: this is what happened when you major in football

Dear Von Miller,

Child, please. Have a seat. Any seat. As many seats as you like. I mean, this tattoo…

Now I know it’s hard. You’re the #2 pick of the NFL Draft for a season that might not happen. Ordinarily you’d be in training camp, cashing million dollar checks, negotiating endorsement deals and enjoying fame.

Problem: since there’s likely not going to be a season, you don’t get the big bucks, and you aren’t getting the spotlight (read: appearance fees) you’d otherwise get. So what do you do for attention? *deep sigh* Seriously, a tattoo of watermelon, a dollar sign and a chicken leg? I just…I thought I had seen all the most ingit stunt queen tactics known to man, (Yes Raz-B and your Twitter feed, World Star Hip Hop videos and press conferences, I’m looking at you) but this?

Look, you’re 22. Contrary to many sympathetic bloggers, you aren’t “only” 22. You’re old enough to drink, which you were apparently doing when you got this tattoo. You’ve replaced will.i.am’s VMA performance, Hot Ghetto Mess We Got To Do Better, and the entire existence of Waka Flocka Flame as the most embarrassing negro of the decade.

But I am your people, and I won’t let this bad PR hurt your future endorsements. This is a really basic tattoo. You can easily cover it up with a bolder one. Since you aren’t making NFL money to pay for one, ask someone else who isn’t – Terrelle Pryor.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Crunk-N-Disorderly , NYDN , Wikipedia , The Big Lead