Dear Parents: Your child CANNOT sing

Dear Parents,

Your child isn’t talented. Or precocious. Or destined to be a star. There, I said it. Somehow, too many of you are running around thinking your precious little offspring are superior singers/athletes/dancers/academics and are therefore turning your kids into mini Kim Zolciaks and suing preschools since your 4-year-old can’t get into Harvard. Okay, I’m rambling. The point is, due to a failure in your past you want to live vicariously through your child and seem unaware that you are humiliating your child in front of millions of people via YouTube.

First up, Rebecca Black’s parents. You took her down to Ark Music Factory in hopes of making her the next Miley Cyrus. 20 million YouTube hits later, her homage to “Take On Me” is teaching literally dozens of toddlers and non-English speaking people the days of the week (save for Monday-Wednesday. And that sequence should really come with an “All of the Lights”-style disclaimer.) Now Black family, (I wish you had a different surname so this didn’t sound racist) when your daughter’s annoying, monotonous voice can’t be saved by Auto-Tune, that means singing just isn’t her thing. But what’s really bad about this, is that you paid the big bucks for this video/song/catastrophe package, and didn’t tell the songwriters, “please don’t make my precious baby look like an idiot by making her undecided about sitting in the only available seat in the car. And perhaps you could get a designated “driver” even though it’s a green screen shoot?” (I won’t even get into that scene of her sitting on the back of a convertible on the “highway.” You are not DeBarge.) And what kind of message is this video giving to the youth? A big house party with not an adult in sight? All that’s missing is Lindsay Lohan and a case of Four Loko. But the true nadir of this video is the rapper who is trying to relive his glory days after being kicked out of The Fat Boys in ’86. Did he shout out the school bus? Where is Chris Hansen?

While this might seem funny at first, you’ve set your 13 year old daughter up to be cyberbullied and having to defend herself on Good Morning America.

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Sadly, Parents, Rebecca Black isn’t an anomaly, she’s part of an epidemic. Lunchbox Records (not the Ark Factory; yes, Satan has had to outsource his work to more than one vendor) has unleashed Jenna Rose and her consumerist ode about wanting a pair of designer jeans since all the tween stars have them. (“It feels like Heelys are racing down my spine?” Girl, bye.) Like “Friday,” underaged drivers pile into a car in order for the Pied Piper to lead them off a cliff and there is the random rap cameo (at least these rappers are also kids – wait, is he sexting? Dammit.)

But parents, I am your people, and I won’t let this continue to happen. Watch “Friday” and “My Jeans” and ask yourself – do I want my kid to be humiliated like this? If your kid wants to be a singer, take your kid to a talent agent – NOT a production company – and find out if there’s any talent there. And hold onto your car keys.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Rebecca Black , You found it , NYDN , Rhino Entertainment , Kanye West VEVO , DeBarge VEVO , The Daily Beast , DListed , SRVMOE