Dear Vybz Kartel: I just…
Dear Vybz Kartel,
What the Sammy Sosa hell did you do to your face? For real? Bleach is what’s hot in the streets? There is no way you can possibly think that looking like the embalmed corpse of yourself was a good idea.
I will give you some props. Unlike Sammy “White skin, green eyes and straight hair are a side effect of melanoma treatment” Sosa, you at least admit this was done for strictly cosmetic reasons. On that note, you cannot be serious. Your reasoning is that Black people bleaching is like White people tanning? Um, no. You cannot compare a few hours in the sun, an hour in a cancer chamber or a heavy paint job to the heavy chemicals that are necessary to leach melanin out of skin.
It’s bad enough that Sesame Street is Black women’s only mainstream counterpoint to the Steve Harvey/Precious/Black-women-are-all-going-to-die-ALONE public perception, but you want to destroy the fragile psyches or Black boys too?
Well I am your people, and I’ll get you out of this PR quagmire. Try to do some re-vitiligo and come out claiming the whole time you were wearing makeup; it’s just a publicity stunt for your new album Ghost. Put out a remix of Nicki Minaj’s “Right Thru Me” to sound convincing. Or claim you’re in the next Twilight movie. But if you are determined to make this White thing happen, you can always become a spokesperson for Unilever.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.