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What’s worse than a Blackbuster movie? This is…

by Your People on September 29th, 2010

In honor of Lacefront Awareness Week, I’m featuring a movie that used some of Obama Beauty Supply’s finest, as well as an actor paying homage to Bishop Eddie Long’s S-curl wig.

To the Producers of N-Secure,

You don’t honestly think this is going to hit the big screen (allegedly in two weeks) do you? Not only is this bootleg Asunder never going to achieve “Blackbuster” status on BET, it’s not even a worthy lead-in to Truth Hall. How can you possibly convince people to spend $15 on a movie ticket when it looks ike it was shot for $150 with iMovie? Here’s a rundown of some of the EPIC fails in this trailer:

*I realize that Don LaFontaine is deceased, but that doesn’t mean the art of the voiceover died with him. The guy narrating this trailer couldn’t sound less enthusiastic if he tried. Was he paid in Red Lobster coupons, EBT cards and a tampon ad gig in the future?

*Is there even a plot? I watched the trailer seven times and really don’t know what it’s about.

*Essence Atkins (who hogged the rest of the cast’s acting talent) opens the trailer, though she is apparently an incidental character in the movie. If she has a more important role in the movie, she should have a bigger part in the commercial.

*0:08-0:16 – What exactly are they planning? The dialog is so ambiguous here. I think you’re over-estimating your audience’s intelligence.

*Elise Neal does not look convinced that her check will clear.

*0:27-0:30 – WTF was that? That random assed scene had nothing to do with anything else in the trailer? Did you just want to make sure everyone knew that Vanessa from The Cosby Show was in the movie? *Slow Clap* for star power.

*The way Denise Boutte gets dragged onto the screen it looks like she was an unwilling participant in the movie. In fact, throughout the trailer I’m convinced that she was kidnapped and doing this movie as her ransom.

*Thelma from Good Times is the therapist? Well, that explains everything.

*1:42 – What. the f*ck. was that?

*Hold up, there is someone in the cast named Nephew Tommy? Are you sure? Because as of now, he’s not on the IMDB page. I’d like to thank the people of YouTube as identifying him as Nephews Tommy of the Teeth Steve Harvey Show. And also for proving that your showbiz career can regress from doing Steve Harvey’s radio show.

* “…and introducing Cordell Moore.” Side note: the real reason this post is so late is because there is another goateed, S-curl wearing actor who has spent the past 20 years (or more) filling Miscellaneous Negro roles in TV shows and movies, and I thought Cordell Moore was that guy. So when the trailer said “introducing…” I spent a few hours surfing through IMDB trying to find that actor’s name. Then it occurred to me that it’s not that serious and I stopped. [Update: The actor I mistook Cordell Moore for is Dorien Wilson.]

Anyway N-Secure folk, I am your people, and I want to see you succeed. If you expect to make any money off of this “movie,” bootleg it yourself, and sell it outside of every Kroger, Publix and Piggly Wiggly in Tennessee since this movie was shot in Memphis. I don’t think anyone outside of the state gives an eff.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: YouTube , Asunder IMDB , Truth Hall IMDB , Wikipedia , N-Secure IMDB

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