Rudy Giuliani: Those jails won’t fill themselves
Dear Rudy Giuliani,
So, you had a controversial run as mayor. Frankly, had it not been for your leadership during the 9/11 attacks, you would have been remembered as “Mayor McPhilanderer who brought his mistress to the mayor’s mansion resulting in his wife filing a restraining order against him and had to sleep on the sofa a gay couple (whose gay wedding he didn’t attend) since apparently said mistress (and future wife) had no room at her place.”
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. The point is, as mayor, your signature issue was fighting crime. Who could forget your ”Stop and Frisk” policy, aka “Hey Negro, the Fourth Amendment doesn’t apply to you” Act. Sure, it wasn’t exactly Constitutional, but by locking people up en masse for minor crimes, it kept the streets of New York City free of
Now, granted, you haven’t been in office for a few years, but one assumes your ethics haven’t changed.
I say that since, frankly, I didn’t follow your presidential campaign, so I don’t know if your values did a 180 like John McCain’s. And now, you are presented with the perfect opportunity to show your values and kick off your 2012 presidential campaign: your daughter Caroline has been arrested for shoplifting. With $320 in her pocket, Caroline boosted $100 worth of items from Sephora.
Now Mr. Giuliani, you may be embarrassed by this, but I am your people, and trust me, you need to capitalize. So what if Sephora isn’t pressing charges, you still need to rally for her to go to jail. Prove to America that you haven’t lost your edge, and that you make exceptions for no one. Think that makes you a bad dad? Please! Does having an openly lesbian daughter prevent you from becoming vice president when you’re vehemently anti-gay? Of course not! Does having a pregnant, unwed, teenage daughter make you an unqualified vice presidential candidate just because you’re about abstinence-only education?
Don’t answer that. The point is, you’ll have a leg up on them since you’ll actually go through with this. Lest you forget, you’re a Republican, and your daughter supported Obama for president. Maybe you can get her upgraded to a felony so she loses her right to vote. Look, you’ve rejected your first two wives and still been elected mayor. By rejecting your Commie-Muslim supporting child, you’re a shoo-in for president. It may sound harsh now, but like Drake, thank me later.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.