Keri Hilson: Your people hate you
RuPaul Keri Hilson,
Your people hate you. There’s really no nicer way to phrase it. This is supposed to be your moment. Beyoncé is taking time off. Mary J. Blige has taken her intelligents to Howard University. Teeeeeiiiarrrriiiiaaaa Maarriiieie and Ameriiiiiiiiiiiie have gone bankrupt trying to buy a vowel. So Keri, this is your time to shi…oh I can’t.
Where do I begin? You look like you were styled by Eve’s gay cousin, who, after flunking out of Derek J’s School of Fashion, made you up to look like the long lost love child of Uncle Scar and Barbra Streisand. What the $50 budget hell? What kind of Million Dollar Girl wears a Canal Street “Gucci” sweatshirt? Apparently the same people who shoplift wigs from Party City. And those weekend ho stroll shorts are revealing your
failed tuck game overnight maxi pad Fredrick’s of Hollywood lace girdle. Those boots and tights? Four words. Got it at Ross. Finally, who was the shoot’s location scout? It’s never a good sign when someone says, “if no one’s looking, we can do all this in the Alvin Ailey Dance Theater’s lobby for free.” Obviously, the person responsible for this is out to get you.
But I am your people, Keri, and I refuse to let you go out like this. The first thing you need to do is praise and apologize to Beyoncé. Ever since you
subtly dissed the gays’ idol, they have passive-aggressively showed their distaste by allowing you to repeatedly be seen in public in clothes from Aoki Lee Simmons’ Goodwill basket. Second, get some media training. Just because 106 & Park plays Gucci Mane videos does not preclude you from being able to string together cohesive sentences. Last but not least, you’re a great songwriter. But singing isn’t exactly a talent you possess. This is a great time to take advantage of back-to-school sales, grab some pens and pads from Office Depot and stay in the studio. Away from the mic
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.