Job applicants: are you even trying?

Dear Job Applicant :

I’m afraid you’ve been declined for this position. In order to help you in your future endeavors, this is why we’ve elected to pass on your application:

1. You called. The job description read, in caps lock, “NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE.” No, it doesn’t make you look more dedicated; it makes it clear you can’t follow directions.

2. In your phone call, you asked for our physical address so that you can mail a hard copy of your application because, “email is so impersonal.” Thank you for wasting trees and postage. Fortunately, our office recycles.

3. Did you really contact us to find out how you can apply with no résumé? How hard is it to write a résumé? There is a template for it in Microsoft Word. You’re welcome.

4. Given that the email address was listed, is there a reason you emailed to information@companyemailaddress.com instead of hr@companyemailaddress.com? Oh, because all the résumés were being mailed to the correct account, so yours would stick out in the wrong one. Okay.

5. Is the email address on your résumé really bigsexxy69igetnaked@thisemailaddress.com? How professional.

6. Résumé looked good, cover letter looked good, so I decided to call you for an interview. Was your ringback tone “Birthday Sex?”

7. When I tried to leave you a voicemail, your recording was “Yo dog, you reached Big Sexy. Leave a message telling me how you like deez. Deez nuts!” No thanks, I’m allergic.

8. So, you were lucky enough to get an interview. At the north branch. But you went to the downtown branch. We sent you the Google Map for a reason.

9. Answering text messages during an interview is considered bad form. FYI.

So, Job Applicant, I am your people, and I’m not just here to criticize you, I’m here to help. Please grab your Bible and go to your local employment office and ask for some help. Or perhaps you should limit your job hunts to cattle calls at the mall or job fairs. It’s hard to screw those up.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.