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California: Happy Ronald Reagan Day!

by Your People on July 30th, 2010

Dear California,

I see you have passed Ronald Reagan Day. Yippee! As I am your people, I would like to suggest ways to celebrate.

It’s February What were you going to do, celebrate Black History Month?

Eat some ketchup It’s a vegetable!

Kick a homeless person Mentally ill or not, they should be working instead of being lazy. Besides, you need the exercise.

Apologize via Trickle Down Economics Pee on their head and tell them it’s raining. R. Kelly would be proud.

Vandalize a public health clinic If the poor and sick died, that would be a lot of dead weight off of taxpayers’ shoulders.

Disenfranchise a Black man, Part I Why not several Black men? Or some Latinos for fun. The Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act are anti-free market. After all, “If an individual wants to discriminate against Negroes or others in selling or renting his house, it is his right to do so.”

Disenfranchise a Black man, Part II The War on Drugs won’t fight itself. To paraphrase Dave Chappelle, just sprinkle some crack on him.

Fly in or out or Reagan National Airport Did I mention he fired EVERY SINGLE air traffic controller when they went on strike in 1981?

Curse out a single mom Reagan educated the public on welfare queens – the parasites who are living large off of the hard working taxpaying public. Can you believe they use food stamps to buy lobster?

Hand a poor kid a shovel Reagan wanted to eliminate the Department of Education, thereby eliminating public schools and Pell Grants. It’s time that poor kids know their place in society, and those ditches won’t dig themselves.

Anger some gays Never mind

Close the libraries While this happens on all federal holidays, on this day, it is particularly apropos.

Shoplift condoms AIDS? What’s that?

Fill ‘em up at Shell You’re boycotting BP, right? Shell and Reagan supported apartheid. Win!

Those are just my ideas, California. But don’t stop there! I’m sure your bankrupt state can afford to spend millions on consultants who can do better.

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources:
NPR, California State Library (photo) , BallotPedia , Wikipedia, Colbert Nation , Twitter