Jennifer Lopez: How the Mighty have Fallen

Dear Jennifer Lopez,

When I looked at the above photo, my first reaction was “Harpo…WHO DIS WOMAN???” I was even more offended by the caption. I thought that had to be a typo. Who is this woman really? One of the teachers from Glee? The new judge on Top Chef? Sorry, but “Jenny from the Block” is now “Ms. Jenny who Shops at Caché’s Clearance Sales to Attend the School Talent Show.”

There was a time when you were the hottest woman in Hollywood; you were the woman every woman wanted to be like and every man wanted to be with. It feels like only ten years ago yesterday that you were an A-List movie star, chart topping singer, Puffy’s girlfriend, and entrepreneur extraordinaire. Who didn’t own a J.Lo T-shirt? I bought one when they first came out, and all these years later, I still wear it under my turtlenecks, but it’s well made enough to stand the test of time. Thanks, Jenny!

And now look at you, instead of commanding attention, you’ve lost the spotlight to Aretha Franklin’s bedazzled breasts. (Also, while you were on the red carpet together, you should have asked for some wig tips. PETA’s coming for whatever died on your head in 3..2…)

The point is Jenny, I’ve missed you. After dabbling in being a Long Island housewife, I thought you’d come back better than ever. But instead *wipes tears* you have been reduced to having dance-offs with Tom Cruise. The worst part? Tom Cruise showed up in character as Les Grossman to do that bit to promote his movie, you did that…because…??? You don’t have a movie out, you don’t have an album to promote and no one’s bought your clothes or perfumes in years. Tom Cruise was dancing for profit, you were dancing for relevancy.

But J.Lo, I am your people, and I want you to win again. Do some photo ops with your twins. Prove that, like Gwen Stefani and Mel B., you can be a mom without losing your style. On that note, fire your stylists. Or at least pay them more – I haven’t decided whether that look is do to sheer incompetence or revenge. And let’s be real – singing was never your strong point. What I’m saying is, you need to collaborate with Rihanna on a new single. If there’s anything the two of you can do, it’s make hot videos. Also, show a at least a little discretion when making movies. How many box office flops and straight to DVD nightmares can you make? And just because your husband is talented doesn’t mean you should work together. Between El Cantante and your world tour, you’ve proven that you’re amazing apart and disastrous together. Actually, Marc Anthony just shouldn’t act at all unless it’s as a vampire in a new Twilight movie, or if he takes 50 Cent’s role in the move about the dying cancer patient.

Leave the suburbs, go back to Hollywood and enjoy being on Dancing with the Stars prove the world that Jenny from the Block is back!

I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.

Sources: Awesomely Luvvie , MTV , People (photo)