Dear Kimmy Girl,
*hugs* *pours out some hot cocoa* It’s been a rough few weeks since your Koupling Klusterf*ck. Unlike Star Jones, who at least kept her fake husband on retainer for four years, you pocketed $18million dollars from your fake wedding, and when all the checks cleared, filed for divorce.
Now we all know reality TV is fake. But you took it to a whole new level by faking your second thoughts about your wedding by filming your “regret” scenes in December, but purporting that they took place in October. Frankly, I think this is genius, except for one tiny detail…you got caught. I’m no lawyer, but if you want to divorce The Hump without giving him a dime, this retroactive slander could be a problem in court.
Well Kim, I am your people, and I want to save your rapidly tanking brand. First of all, date an athlete from a lower profile sport – hockey, lacrosse, possibly bowling. Those leagues might embrace the publicity and be happy to cater to your attention-whoring ways. Maybe you could start another spin-off show called Arena Football Wives or Kim and Rob Take Omaha (or wherever there’s a D-League team). Better yet, date T.O. You’re dealing with bad publicity, he’s broke, so it could be mutually beneficial (psst, here’s a tip – make him out to be the bad guy. Shhh.)
Either way, publicly fall in “love,” apologize for marrying Kris Humphries too quickly, and make some more money marrying another athlete. Just make sure this wedding isn’t legal.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Cele|Bitchy , Miss Jia , Cracked , Hello Beautiful , Stiletto Jill
See, what had happened was…
So, we’re almost 3 weeks into 2012 and still no new blog? Wasn’t my New Year’s Resolution to blog more often? Yeah, I’ll get on that. New blog this week!
-IAYP
VSB: Kick it with the VSBs in Washington, DC
Stiletto Jill: Deiondra Sanders goes IN
The Quickening: Mini Vinny just gets cuter
The Cynical Ones: Time for some Resolutions
Curly Nikki: Nikki does Greece
Awesomely Luvvie: The 20 Dumbest Celebrity Tweets of 2011
VIP: 2011 VIP Wrap-Up
DListed: The Korean Adele SLAYS Rolling In The Deep
The Native Son: 2011 Recap
Up Here on Cloud 9: Random Thoughts: My Favorite Sh*t of 2011
Life of a Libra: Year In Review
Jezebel: Was 2011 a joke?
The Abby’s World: She’s Adorable
Dear People Planning to Visit NYC,
Take a cab.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Miss Jia
Dear Vanessa Bryant,
Congratulations on divorcing Kobe Bryant! Most people would think a divorce is a sad time, but I disagree. You met Kobe at age 17 while – of all things – shaking your underaged azz in an Eastsidaz video. You not only managed to marry Kobe, but with no prenup! Furthermore, prenup or no prenup – you were married for more than 10 years in California1, making you entitled to half his money, plus child support, plus spousal support. A chick from East LA with almost no education or marketable skills is now worth $300 million. You are truly living the American Dream.
Sure, based on paparazzi pics, people might clown your taste in fashion and plastic surgery but I am your people and I say don’t listen to the haters. You might be rich, but now it’s time for fame. Call up Shaunie O’Neal, because you, Shaunie, Evelyn and Kim Kardashian need to start a reality show called Basketball Ex-Wives: Hoes Be Winning Edition. It may cost you a few milli not to sign a confidentiality agreement in the divorce, but that’s nothing to you now.
Everyone loves trash TV, and everyone wants to see what’s really behind Kobe’s carefully crafted image. But don’t worry, it’s not all skanky, you’ll get to show your positive side, too.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
1. Thank you Suze Orman, for breaking down what a “Community Property State” is.
Sources: Stiletto Jill , Twitter, The Kobe & Vanessa Bryant Family Foundation
Mini Blog: Blog Love
Bonus Blackbuster Appreciation Month post
Miss Jia: Soulja Boy Doesn’t Read Contracts
Jezebel: Shaming Black Women Won’t Encourage Them To Lose Weight
Clutch: TJ Holmes commits career suicide
Curly Nikki: Boogie continues to be the cutest baby ever
Jack & Jill Politics: Mumia Abu-Jamal Off Death Row
C+D: Zumba for crackheads
Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss: Mmmm….salad
BuzzFeed: Mark Zuckerberg has the same amount of privacy as everyone else on Facebook
Dear Terrell Owens,
I saw the preview for your new movie Dysfunctional Friends, and here is my review:
0:07 – Wesley Jonathan, where have you been? Besides selling sandwiches on Reed Between the Lines, I mean?
0:13 – Ah, this scene from the T.O. Show. And why did this take T.O. forty ‘leven takes to shoot?
0:22 – “I’m in Toronto now.” So…this is one of those Any Given Sunday-type movies that didn’t get the clearance of the NFL. On that note, the T.O. Show didn’t, either.
Aside: What happened to the T.Ocho Show?
0:30 – Stacey Dash continues to have only one facial expression.
0:58 – He’ll make $4 million? This really is fiction.
1:15 – Fact: Stacey Dash’s Chanel bag and Christian Louboutin pumps cost more than the budget of this entire movie.
1:20 – Wait that was it?
1:21 – This movie is supposed to be in theaters? This straight to DVD azz movie…
Terrell, much like New Year’s Eve and every Tyler Perry movie ever made, there are too many people in this film and it’s destined to be a hot azz mess. You’re also going to get clowned for your non-acting skills, buy I am your people, T.O., and I won’t let them dog you like that. Your NFL career is all but over, and you’ve got back child support. At least you can say that you’re making an attempt to make money outside of football, and that you aren’t going the DeSean Jackson route.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Necole Bitchie , Vh1 , Stiletto Jill , IMDb, Baller Alert
Dear Robin Givens,
I’m happy to hear about your return to acting, and here’s my review of your movie Put A Ring On It:
0:00 – I thought the series premiere of Single Ladies was the final nail in the coffin for the phrase ‘Put A Ring On It.’ I guess not.
0:11 – On that note, what ever happened to Thea?
0:15 – BBQing in a chef’s hat is what’s hot in the streets these days? Ok.
0:33 – “You are your mother’s daughter” is another way of saying ‘desperation is hereditary.’
0:45 – If this isn’t the saddest, thirstiest, most pathetic display I’ve ever seen…
1:33 – “There’s just one catch – she hasn’t told her boyfriend.” I thought proposals were supposed to be a surprise. Am I missing something?
1:42 – Robin Givens’ tortured analogy is giving me a headache. But this is the type of bad advice you can count on single friends for.
1:52 – Is this some kind of summer camp for deacons? That’s the only way I can explain Miguel Nunez sleeping in a chair while wearing a suit, and the other Bible-reading man in a bunk bed.
2:00 – What’s worse than a girl who’s desperate to get married? One with desperate girlfriends.
2:15 – Bobby V REALLY needs to retire the tight shirts he insists on wearing.
Robin, is this what you’ve become? Doing sad guest appearances on Reed Between The Lines and not even having the biggest part in a Blackbuster film? I know people are saying you’re over, but I am your people, and I won’t let you fall off.
Your Boomerang co-star Eddie Murphy is getting back into movies, surely he can hook you up with a role since you probably have something on him to blackmail him with. Or you could get married again. You separated from your husband Svetozar Marinkovic the day you married; why not get some Kim K money out of it this time around? I’m sure you and Star Jones’ ex-husband could sell filming and picture rights of the wedding to TVOne and Jet magazine for six four figures.
But if you can’t get off the Blackbuster stroll, don’t be ashamed. That $300K tax bill has got to paid off somehow.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Concrete Loop
Dear Rashad McCants,
I saw your trainer for the movie “The Booster Club,” and this is my review:
0:15 – So, it opens with washed up porn star Traci Lords getting out of a shower. How bad could it be?
0:25 – Rashad, is there a reason your wig makes you look like Dumb Donald from Fat Albert?
0:42 – “Am I not your mother?” That doesn’t change the fact that you have to hustle for your keep, too.
0:53 – Really Traci? I mean, REALLY?
0:57 – This white woman is way to calm to be watching all these hooligan azz negroes going H.A.M. in her boutique
1:04 – Amy Bell delivered that line like a church girl that doesn’t curse but she’s making an exception this time since she’s “acting” and she gets paid to do this. (Spoiler alert: her check doesn’t clear)
1:08 – Why is this unintelligible line in the trailer? Are we going from Dumb Donald to Mushmouth?
1:11 – Huh?
1:20 – I have no idea what just happened
1:41 – Lamyia Good is the only one in the cast with a semi-valid IMDB credit. She’s also Meagan Good’s sister. The more you know.
1:46 – Is this in the welfare office?
1:56 – “I’m getting sick and tired of being a decoy.” Ma’am, if you’re a decoy at that age, your career options are limited.
2:08 – “It’s about to get real f*ckin mythological in this mother f*cka” *immerses laptop in water*
2:15 – I just…I just give up
Now Rashad, you’re going to take a lot of heat for this movie, because well, it’s terrible. And not only is this movie not in IMDB, all the actors in it have a filmography that is made up almost entirely bit parts in shortly lived TV series and straight-to-DVD movies. Well, I am your people, and I’m here to help you out. At age 27, you haven’t played in the NBA in 2 years, and it doesn’t look like the league is coming back anytime soon. Furthermore, when you Google your name, the first thing that comes up are pics of you and ex-girlfriend Khloé Kardashian (Who you dumped. Who is now married to a man who is still in the NBA and making money. Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?) So just tell the truth – you can’t even get into the D-League (which isn’t locked out) and you gotta do what you gotta do to pay bills. It may be raggedy as hell, but at least it’s not Antoine Walker in bankruptcy court, right? But before you get too desperate remember this: Kimmy K just filed for divorce!
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
Sources: Stilleto Jill
Dear Image Entertainment,
I received your trailer for your movie The Perfect Gift, and here is my review:
0:05 – Wait – this is a straight-to-DVD gospel stage play? I hold Tyler Perry 100% responsible
0:07 – By law, Clifton Powell must be in every Black movie
0:14 – Golden Brooks is in this? Given that her husband is on “Single Ladies,” I nominate them as the First Couple of Negro Entertainment. Eat that, Will and Jada
0:16 – When a Black woman with a blond weave and leopard blouse says, “you can say THAT again, honey” it’s an automatic nomination for a BET Award
0:22 – Why is that girl sitting in the colored section during prayer?
0:28 – Please add “diabeetus” to that list
0:33 – Where is Maury to make sense of this?
0:45 – Darius McCrary? The hell?
1:05 – Why is the choir director (red bib) photobombing Ruben’s solo?
1:13 – Fact – Ruben Studdard is the world’s heaviest vegan
Image Entertainment, people who see this trailer are going to state the obvious – that they have no idea what this movie is supposed to be about. But I am your people, and I say ignore the haters. At the time of this posting, your YouTube channel has 601 videos. Clearly you are about quantity, not quality, and as long as Black actors are employed, tell people to hush and buy the DVD. From the bootleg man in front of Walgreens. Or wait for it to inevitably end up on BET.
I am your people. Read the comments for advice from my people.
